Let's Try This ... Again

I've been overeating, gaining weight -- too much, too fast. I haven't skated in months. I'm working from home and barely leaving the apartment. While I exercise every day or so, using an On Demand workout or a DVD, and my workouts aren't half-assesed, I always soon afterward light up and then binge while aimlessly surfing the Internet. I'm throwing up once or twice a week.

This isn't an acceptable state of affairs. It's not healthy for my mind or my body. This is also incredibly cliche, "It's not healthy for my mind or my body" or some variation on the phrase appearing in countless blogs online. But I'll embrace the cliche.

I must reduce, or better yet eliminate, the marijuana. It is a crutch that helps me put off until tomorrow the anxiety. It makes me OK with procrastination and I don't think I'm getting much enjoyment out of it.

I must use the Weight Watchers account I just signed up for as a means of curbing binges.

I must leave the goddamn apartment once in a while, get off the couch. I must have at least two conversations a week in person with someone who is not C.

I must, I must, I must. It's terrifying to be in this state. I know it's because my job situation is so tenuous, C's financial security finally wobbling, my mother's mental health once again in the gutter. These are all legitimate reasons to feel stress, and I know what I should do. Work out, read books, leave the apartment, cross-stitch, play video games, keep my hands busy and my vaporizer turned off and exhaust myself so I can fall asleep at night, yet these more soothing coping mechanisms do work for me in a way.

In the long run, they are going to keep me stunted and lazy and fat. I can deal with fat, but not this piling-it-on weight gain.

This blog is a wish. May I develop the strength to commit to making some changes that I know will serve me far better in the future. I feel that I am on the edge of the precipe, and if I fall, it could be decades before I re-emerge. It feels a bit like my last chance to save myself. Way to put pressure on yourself, FFS.